Personal Vignette

Part I - “It Never Gets Better”

Stay in bed all day; keep the curtains closed at all times; overeat; only leave the bedroom when absolutely necessary; this is how to pretend to be happy; only wear baggy clothes; don’t pick up the phone; this is how to give up; don’t reply to emails; don’t speak to your family; don’t take the medication; don’t sleep; don’t use the shower or the brush; this is how to get out of social events; always eat your meals away from others; isolate; this is how to make your friends worry; don’t clean the house; this is how to slit your wrists;  this is how to clean up blood; don’t go to school; don’t do homework; don’t go outside; don’t think about the future, it doesn’t apply to you; this is the easiest way out; isolate; skip meals; this is how to tie a noose; this is how to write a note; use reading to escape your grim reality; don’t exercise; don’t smile at all, if you do you must be faking; oversleep; this is how to hide your notes; this is how to keep your family from worrying; this is how to prove them right

Part II - Artist Rationale 

At first I was going to make my portrait a close up of my face, but I think that would’ve been too easy and wouldn’t have showed as much personality as a full body pose. The darkness surrounding me is a metaphor for my thoughts. All the deep, dark feelings I have. The fear, the insecurity, the depression. It’s expanding in tendrils, slowly taking over my life if I allow it to. Sometimes it’s a neat circle, sometimes it’s clouded my entire life so much that I can’t see anything past it. It’s a feeling in the back of my mind, and I can sense when it’s getting out of hand. When that little cloud of darkness hanging over my head is trying to expand and take over. It’s when I get this feeling that I know, it’s time to push back and fight to keep this darkness contained. This all happens in my mind. Nobody knows about it. They can’t see it yet. Depression has been a big part of my life all through high school, and the one thing I’ve noticed is that in my struggles with it, nobody can read my mind. Nobody notices anything is wrong until I, myself, have given up and allowed it to take over. It’s only after weeks or sometimes months of fighting it that I finally exhaust myself, and others begin to see it.

The flash fiction piece is a written representation of the intrusive depressive thoughts that I have. In my experience, sometimes these thoughts can come as a surprise, out of nowhere. It’s the first sign that I need to do something to combat this depression. They pop up in my mind slowly at first. It’s always the more mild thoughts, like on a weekend: stay in bed all day. Then, after weeks or months of resisting, they get more intense. They justify, in my mind, my feelings of dread when it comes to leaving my house or even my bed. They even try to justify the more irrational behavior, like self harm or social isolation. The reason I didn’t include recovery in the piece is because in my experience, depression comes in waves. During the thick of it, it genuinely feels like it will never get better. Sometimes it’s so overwhelming that recovery doesn’t even cross my mind. I wanted to get across the severity and harshness when someone’s being overwhelmed.

Part III - Jungian Analytical Psychology

Personality tests are a huge part of modern internet culture. From Buzzfeed to Facebook, they’re everywhere you look. What Hogwarts House are you? Which cartoon character would you be? Are you destined for greatness based on your favorite color? While these tests can be stupidly entertaining, is there real science behind them? Or are they just guesswork?

According to C.S. Joseph, a psychologist on Youtube who makes many educational videos about Analytical Psychology, most of these tests are just lucky guesses and over-generalizations. He uses a combination of Myers Briggs, Sigmund Freud, and Carl Jung’s ideas on personality and psychology. He believes that the Myers Briggs Type Indicator test (MBTI) is a well-made test based on cognitive functions of the brain alone, but that’s where his agreement stops. He believes the personality archetype you are given at the end of the test is mostly accurate, but also depends on a number of other factors, both hereditary and environmental.He also believes your type cannot change. While the MBTI test is mostly accurate, it’s best to take it a number of times before you’re sure which archetype you are. The type is not just a box you’re being put into, but a whole lifestyle. It is your true human nature. It is how you gather information, perceive the world, and make decisions. It’s not about whether you’re an art person or a math person, but much deeper than that. The Freudian concepts of the ego, super ego, shadow, and unconscious aspects of the mind are also aligned with his teachings of psychology, but that’s the extent. Joseph describes the ego as the primary residence of the mind. It’s your first instinct when it comes to decision making and information gathering. The shadow is your unconscious side, or the side that makes small contributions to your ego. The subconscious is what you aspire to become, and it is also your polar opposite type. The superego is where all your “evil” urges come from. This is anger and rage, the origin of revenge and devious actions. Joseph used a quote by Martin Luther to describe it: “Sin nature is the self bending in upon the self.” Each of those aspects of the mind has four cognitive functions within them, such as ethics, logic, rationale, and morals. Your type determines which of these cognitive functions are a priority, and which take a backseat. For example, logic vs. emotion, ethics vs. morals, etc. It’s important to know your archetype because, “To understand yourself is to understand others.” (Joseph)

I will admit that I am not the most educated in the topic of psychology, but C.S. Joseph’s ideas make complete sense to me, and they are backed up by logic and reasoning. I don’t subscribe to only Freud, or only Jung’s ideas about psychology, but a combination of both of them.

There are many different ways of understanding and teaching analytical psychology, but C.S. Joseph teaches the kind of psychology that makes the most sense to me, which combines Myers Briggs, Sigmund Freud, and Carl Jung’s ideologies. Between the cognitive functions to the four sides of the mind, it all comes together seamlessly.